One Liners

Deft Definitions

  • TRUTH Something stranger than fiction, but not as popular.
  • GOSSIP When you hear something you like, about somebody you don't.
  • EXPERT Someone who is called in at the last moment to share the blame.
  • ETIQUETTE Knowing which finger to put in your mouth when you whistle for the waiter.
  • HAUNTED HOUSE Intensive Scare Unit.
  • PASSION A feeling you feel when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
  • EARTH A minor planet with major problems.
  • FRIEND Someone who has the same enemies as you.
  • DENTIST A magician who puts metal in your mouth and pulls out coins from your purse.
  • WALLET A device to loose all your money at the same time.
  • FATHER A banker provided by nature.
  • RUMOR News that travels at the speed of sound.
  • CRIMINAL A guy no different from the rest of us...except that he got caught.
  • WORRY Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
  • BOSS Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
  • PHILOSOPHER A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
  • ADULT A person who has stopped growing at both ends and started growing in the middle.
  • TEARS The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
  • YAWN The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
  • EXPERIENCE The name men give to their mistakes.
  • ETC. A sign used to make others believe that you know more than what you really do.
  • ATOM BOMB An invention to end all inventions.
  • DOCTOR A person who kills your ills by pills, kills you with his bills.

Return to the top

What they say ... what they meaN

What the company really means:

COMPETITIVE SALARY:We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED:Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON:If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

What a potential employee means:

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:I've used Microsoft Office.
I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:I blame others for my mistakes.
I'M PERSONABLE:I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:I carry a Day-Timer.
I AM ADAPTABLE:I've changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO:I'm never at my desk.
I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:The minute I find a better job.

Return to the top