One Liners

Stephen Wright one-liners

  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
  • Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
  • Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
  • I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
  • I intend to live forever - so far, so good
  • I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
  • Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
  • Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
  • Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
  • Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
  • Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
  • The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
  • If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
  • 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  • Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
  • When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
  • Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
  • If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
  • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
  • Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
  • I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
  • Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
  • Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
  • For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
  • OK, so what's the speed of dark?
  • Black holes are where God divided by zero.
  • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  • I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

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Actual Excerpts from Student Science Exam Papers

  • Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
  • Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
  • The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
  • Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
  • The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
  • To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
  • The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
  • A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
  • The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
  • The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
  • To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
  • Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
  • Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
  • Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
  • A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
  • The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
  • The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
  • Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
  • We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
  • English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
  • By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
  • If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
  • Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
  • Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
  • A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
  • A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
  • Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
  • A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
  • The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
  • When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
  • It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
  • Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
  • For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
  • For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
  • For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
  • For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
  • To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
  • For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
  • For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
  • Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
  • Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
  • When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
  • When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

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Wonders of the English Language
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. When people say communication would be so much more simple if everyone in the world just spoke English, give them a copy of this!

  • There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
  • English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
  • Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
  • We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
  • And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
  • If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
  • One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
  • Doesn't it seem crazy that You can make amends but not one amend,
  • If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
  • If teachers taught, why didn't the preacher praught?
  • A vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
  • Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
  • In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
  • Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
  • How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites?
  • How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
  • How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.
  • Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?
  • Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
  • Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or piccable?
  • And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
  • You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
  • English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

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