One Liners

Actual Bumper Stickers

  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • I love cats...they taste just like chicken
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
  • As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
  • Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
  • Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep
  • I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.......Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
  • Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  • Don't blame me - I'm from Uranus.
  • Your kid may be an honor student but YOU'RE still an IDIOT
  • It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
  • When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
  • Smile - it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  • Friends don't let friends drive Naked.
  • Wink, I'll do the rest!
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • When there's a will, I want to be in it!
  • Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
  • If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
  • Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students!
  • It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  • Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
  • Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  • We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  • Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest
  • Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  • Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  • Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
  • Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
  • Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
  • I souport publik edekasion
  • The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
  • We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
  • Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  • 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
  • Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
  • 2 + 2 = 5 for sufficiently large values of 2.
  • I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
  • I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

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The Biggest Lies

  • The check is in the mail.
  • I'll respect you in the morning.
  • I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
  • You get this one, I'll pay next time.
  • Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
  • Of course I love you.
  • Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
  • I never inhaled.
  • It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
  • ...but we can still be good friends.
  • She means nothing to me.
  • Dont worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
  • Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
  • I'll call you later.
  • Read my lips: no new taxes
  • I've never done anything like this before
  • Now, I'm going to tell you the truth
  • It's supposed to make that noise.
  • I *love* your new hat/haircut/dress/suit...!
  • ...then take a left. You can't miss it.
  • Yes, I did.
  • Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile.

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The 15 Best Things to Say if Caught Sleeping at Desk

15) They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
14) This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to.
13) Whew! Guess I left the top off of the Liquid Paper.
12) I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.
11) This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people.
10) I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
9) I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminating against people who practice yoga?
8) I was doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) that I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me go to.
7) Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
6) The coffee machine is broken...
5) Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
4) Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!
3) Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic.
2) I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up a contact lens without my hands
1) Amen

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The Top 47 Oxymorons

    47 Act naturally
    46 Found missing
    45 Resident alien
    44 Advanced BASIC
    43 Genuine imitation
    42 Airline Food
    41 Good grief
    40 Same difference
    39 Almost exactly
    38 Government organization
    37 Sanitary landfill
    36 Alone together
    35 Legally drunk
    34 Silent scream
    33 American history
    32 Living dead
    31 Small crowd
    30 Business ethics
    29 Soft rock
    28 Butt Head
    27 Military Intelligence
    26 Software documentation
    25 New York culture
    24 New classic
    23 Sweet sorrow
    22 Childproof
    21 "Now, then ..."
    20 Synthetic natural gas
    19 Passive aggression
    18 Taped live
    17 Clearly misunderstood
    16 Peace force
    15 Extinct Life
    14 Temporary tax increase
    13 Computer jock
    12 Plastic glasses
    11 Terribly pleased
    10 Computer security
    09 Political science
    08 Tight slacks
    07 Definite maybe
    06 Pretty ugly
    05 Twelve-ounce pound cake
    04 Diet ice cream
    03 Working vacation
    02 Exact estimate
    01 Microsoft Works

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