• Dilbert's Words of Wisdom
• Dilbert's Laws of Work
• Real World Dilbert Managers

Dilberts words of Wisdom

• I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
• I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
• Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
• There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
• Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need him/her, chances are you won't be needing him/her again.
• I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
• My reality check bounced.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
• You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
• Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
• Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

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Dilbert's Laws of Work

1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
2. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
3. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
4. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
5. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
6. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
7. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
8. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
9. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a d@#$ fool about it.
10. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
11. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
12. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
14. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
17. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
18. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
19. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
20. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
21. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. Following the rules will not get the job done.
24. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
25. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
26. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
27. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

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Real World Dilbert Managers

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out - directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)

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