Some observations about Computers in Movies

• Word processors never display a cursor.
• You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
• All monitors display inch-high letters.
• High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
• Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
• You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
• Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress").
• All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
• Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
• All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
• People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
• A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
• Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition Man" and countless others).
• Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
• When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
• If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
• No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
• Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.
• Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer .
• Whenever a character looks at a VDU/Monitor the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").

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Useful Computer Acronyms

Programming Languages and Cars - An anology

Assembler: A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain.
FORTRAN II: A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.
FORTRAN IV: A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77: a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts.
COBOL: A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly but it does the work.
BASIC: A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one.
PL/I: A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield.
C++: A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler).
ALGOL 60: An Austin Mini. Boy that's a small car.
ALGOL 68: An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone can drive it.
Pascal: A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectual types.
LISP: An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available.
PROLOG/LUCID: Prototype concept cars.
FORTH: A go-cart.
LOGO: A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn.
APL: A double-decker bus. It takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time but it drives only in reverse and is instrumented in Greek.
Ada: An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes, and automatic transmission are standard. No other colors or options are available. If it's good enough for generals, it's good enough for you.
Java: All-terrain very slow vehicle.

You Know You've been on the Computer Too Long When...

• ...when asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
• ...you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
• ...you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
• ...after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
• ... You can perfectly imitate the sound pattern of your modem connecting to your ISP.
• ...you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
• ...not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.
• ...you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.
• ...you look for the undo command after making a mistake.
• ...you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in hexadecimal.

You know you are an Internet Junkie when...

• When asked to your address, your answer begins with http://
• Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
• You chat with your fingers, not your mouth.
• You use Netscape 4.05, and you check every week whether version 4.06 was released.
• You know the difference between Java and Javascript.
• Most of your friends have an @ in their names.
• In order to watch CNN you move to www.cnn.com
• You are told about a new program, and you are disappointed to find that it is a TV program.
• You actually read your junk e-mail, and reply to it.
• Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
• On your business card the e-mail appears before the phone number.
• You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
• You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

Ten Commandments for Stress Free Programming

1. Thou shalt not worry about bugs.
   Bugs in your software are actually special features.
2. Thou shalt not fix abort conditions
   Your user has a better chance of winning state lottery than getting the same abort again.
3. Thou shalt not handle errors.
   Error handing was meant for error prone people, neither you or your users are error prone.
4. Thou shalt not restrict users.
   Don't do any editing, let the user input anything, anywhere, anytime. That is being very user friendly.
5. Thou shalt not optimize.
   Your users are very thankful to get the information, they don't worry about speed and efficiency.
6. Thou shalt not provide help.
   If your users can not figure out themselves how to use your software than they are too dumb to deserve the benefits of your software anyway.
7. Thou shalt not document.
   Documentation only comes in handy for making future modifications. You made the software perfect the first time, it will never need modifications.
8. Thou shalt not hurry.
   Only the cute and the mighty should get the program by deadline.
9. Thou shalt not revise.
   Your interpretation of specs was right, you know the users' requirements better than them.
10. Thou shalt not share.
    If other programmers needed some of your code, they should have written it themselves.